June 5, 2009
oh ma gah.  chucky cheese memories. there was this PEEP HOLE that kids were forced to shimmy through if they wanted in on the fun. you literally had to work up the courage to brave dirt, claustrophobia, fecal matter and all that stuff churned up on the bottom of keds  just in order to get to all the fun shit. this human portal was slight and accessible to children only. i was afraid of that hole. i stared at it mournfully for FOUR YEARS.  my peers shimmied through the hole and into the hands of rat-tailed pedophile carnies who worked the floor, the swings and the ball pit. oh, the ball pit. i weep for the ball pit. at the age of eight, i worked up the courage to shimmy the hole. my life was never the same. the other side was like a white trash neverland for kids. there were approximately two adult pedophile carnies clogging up our atmosphere. we were free. the most meaningful and memorable ride was a set of one-person swings that had rollers and swung you along, about six feet in the air. the track skirted the perimeter of the windowless boxy room. which means that as you were swinging happily downhill, you had to brace for the corners with your nimble little legs. if you didn’t keep both legs in front of you at all times, bracing for impact, you would literally smash face first into the wall. the carnie attendant waited at the end to snatch you out of your death capsule, though sometimes he was out on a smoke break and you had to break free on your own means. unfortunately some upton sinclair imposter probably wrote an expose’ on 80s chuck-e-cheese or maybe the carnies got a little too frisky, because i know that my whitetrash neverland with death mobiles and children running amok is no more. only in my dreams.

oh ma gah.  chucky cheese memories.

there was this PEEP HOLE that kids were forced to shimmy through if they wanted in on the fun. you literally had to work up the courage to brave dirt, claustrophobia, fecal matter and all that stuff churned up on the bottom of keds  just in order to get to all the fun shit.

this human portal was slight and accessible to children only. i was afraid of that hole. i stared at it mournfully for FOUR YEARS.  my peers shimmied through the hole and into the hands of rat-tailed pedophile carnies who worked the floor, the swings and the ball pit. oh, the ball pit. i weep for the ball pit.

at the age of eight, i worked up the courage to shimmy the hole. my life was never the same.

the other side was like a white trash neverland for kids. there were approximately two adult pedophile carnies clogging up our atmosphere. we were free.

the most meaningful and memorable ride was a set of one-person swings that had rollers and swung you along, about six feet in the air. the track skirted the perimeter of the windowless boxy room. which means that as you were swinging happily downhill, you had to brace for the corners with your nimble little legs. if you didn’t keep both legs in front of you at all times, bracing for impact, you would literally smash face first into the wall. the carnie attendant waited at the end to snatch you out of your death capsule, though sometimes he was out on a smoke break and you had to break free on your own means.

unfortunately some upton sinclair imposter probably wrote an expose’ on 80s chuck-e-cheese or maybe the carnies got a little too frisky, because i know that my whitetrash neverland with death mobiles and children running amok is no more.

only in my dreams.